I was having the blues today, meaning that the Prozac was supposedly not working or something else was on my mind that I didn’t want to really talkabout. I called up a good friend is misery and said, ‘I need your help.’ She suggested going to an OA meeting, and after a little bit of convincing there I was, 4:30pm on the dot. I was in the basement of the Church on 69th street, between Broadway and Columbus Av. I was a little nervous upon entering, I didn’t know what to expect, or if everything was going to stare at me, like I felt that people were doing. I’ve been very self-concious lately, and I’m not sure why. I’ve been feeling more peeling eyes on me, my hijab, my faith, my life, my conduct and my dress. I feel so judged and so judged. At the same time, I can’t help that and whatever I think is only that, it’s what I think. It may or may not be true.
One the most moving parts of this meeting, was hearing the story of a really strong Israeli woman who has been through so much. She came from a fundi family, a family very observant and strict about orthodoxy. Sometimes, the worst bulimics and anorexics come from the most fundmental and observant families. Me included. She told all of us the story of how she began as an anorexic, and she lost weight to the point where she was eating an orange a day, and calling that her meal plan. She was in and out of treatment facilities and she lost her father, to the point where she took perfectionism to the extreme. I don’t think I want to think about what I would have done in that situation. She then started bingeing, then purging, then losing weight, then exercising like a maniac. That’s a lot of compulsive behavior. I would like to research what compulsive behavior actually is and find out why people do what they do. It’s really phenomenal.
I think the saddest thing for me, was seeing this anorexic woman/girl. She looked so pale and so green and she was so skinny. She just looked so awful and incredibly frail. She had tears in her eyes and I can’t believe that this was happening, but I just felt so empty for her. Do you know what I mean? It was so sad, to see all these people with the same problem. We’re all mentally ill in many ways and we turn to food to cope with our lives, we’re perfectionists, we are angry and cruel with ourselves and most of all we lack love.
Another sad moment today, was meeting someone who described herself as a lonely person. She was saying that she didn’t want to be a part of a relationship that was only there for her to erase the loneliness in her life. It made me really sad to see that, to hear how incredibly hollow all of us really are. Where there are grown women with children, but are overeaters, and there are grandmothers and people of all faiths and backgrounds that are trying to rid obsession and compulsion in their lives. Does that make sense?